A Note from the Dictionary

The wanna-be scholar in me feels that, at this point, it is necessary to define what I mean by polyamorous. I know, I know: b-o-r-i-n-g. But maybe you could just humor me? (Or maybe you would prefer to imagine me at the front of the classroom, doing my best to look prim – but my hair is kind of unraveling, and my skirt is a little bit too short, and oh damn, I've had to stand up on a chair so that I can reach the very tippy top of the chalkboard....)

Ahem.

It seems to me that there are three different facets to a polyamorous identity: 1) orientation, 2) practice, and 3) ideology.

This particular post will address only the first two items, however – because, as my friend Lilianna might say, ideology can be a real panty-drier.

So, without further ado:

1) Poly by orientation

Someone who is poly by orientation is predisposed -- whether because of upbringing, genes, or a combination of the two -- to being non-monogamous and/or to experiencing less than the usual amount of jealousy if a mate chooses to be non-monogamous.

I'd like to see more references to “sexual orientation” that include “poly” among the choices. I suspect that there are a lot of folks who feel oriented toward polyamory, but who choose not to practice non-monogamy, for various reasons.

I can't count the number of people who have said to me, “I know I could love more than one person at a time – but I just couldn't deal with my jealousy if [insert name of partner here] got involved with someone else.” Enter the monogamous compromise: “I promise not to act on my feelings of sexual interest in other people if you promise not to act on yours.”

Of course, there's a corollary in polyamorous relationships: “I promise to do my best to deal with my own jealousy, if you promise to do your best to deal with yours.” All relationships entail compromise. The question is this: what kind of compromise is going to be most effective, given the orientation(s) of the people involved?

I am poly by orientation. I've always known myself to be capable of, and interested in, having more than one sexual/romantic partner at a time. And, although I am probably a more jealous person than some, my inclination has always been to get over my jealousy (as opposed to getting over the relationship).

When I was sixteen, my high school boyfriend informed me that he wanted to date a girl in his band class. I still remember the feeling: a twist in my gut, like I was being stabbed. I was silent for a moment, and then said, “Okay. You can go out with her.” My boyfriend hemmed and hawed, then got to the real meat: “So... that means you and I have to break up.” This reasoning made no sense to me. “Why can't you date both of us?” I wanted to know. He: “Because that would be two-timing.” Me: “But what if it's okay with me? What if it's okay with her?” He: “I just wouldn't feel good about it.” End of story. Except it wasn't the end of the story, because two months later, after deciding that Band Girl had chronic halitosis, Jack wanted to get back together with me. That's when I decided that serial monogamy just wasn't an appealing prospect.

2) Poly in practice

Someone who is poly in practice is someone who has more than one romantic/sexual partner and who has made a commitment to be honest about his/her multiple involvements with any current or prospective partner(s). In other words, people who are secretly fucking (or kissing, caressing, canoodling with, sending dirty texts to, or what have you) someone other than the partner to whom they've supposedly pledged their monogamous allegiance are NOT practicing polyamory. They're cheating.

I am currently poly in practice. (No, I am not going to give you the complete Cast of Characters...at least not yet.) There have been times, in the course of my seventeen-year marriage, when I was not actively poly: for most of the first five years, for example, I was monogamous in practice – unless you count a few crushes (which I confessed to) and a couple of dates (for which I first asked permission).

Now, are we on the same page? (Metaphorically, I mean, since OBVIOUSLY we're on the same virtual page!)

Next up: Poly ideology! Let's put the “fun” back in “fundamentals,” shall we?