Is Honesty Always the Best Policy?

When it comes to the question of whether or not to disclose one's “poly-ness” – i.e., the fact that one has, or is open to having, multiple sexual/romantic partners – to current or prospective lovers, the Poly party line is pretty clear: be honest.

There are those who prefer a “don't ask, don't tell” arrangement, but this approach is only ethical when there's been an explicit agreement to maintain personal privacy: in other words, all the people involved have freely assented to, and are comfortable with, not knowing what their partner(s) may be up to with other partner(s). Personally, I wouldn't be comfortable with such an arrangement, and I have my doubts as to the general advisability of keeping secrets from intimates.

However, there are all kinds of dicey situations, instances in which it's not at all clear whether or not honesty is appropriate.

Here, for your consideration, are two real-life dilemmas:

1. Tomorrow night, my boyfriend Travis is going to pick up his nephew from the airport. It seems that this young man is planning on staying in our fair city indefinitely. Unfortunately, this presents something of a problem for us. You see, Travis has not told his family that he's involved with a married woman. Oh, he's certainly talked about me; his family knows we've been dating. Maybe six months ago, Travis and I even had dinner with the nephew in question – but I made sure not to say anything about my husband, my children, or anything else that would reveal me as something other than a suitable single. Travis has been understandably chary of spilling the whole story to his mother or his sisters, what with the hand-wringing and tsk-tsking that would doubtless ensue. Should he tell his family the truth about me? How much is honesty going to cost him?
2. Last night, my friend Lilianna and I were talking about an incident that happened at a professional conference we both attended this past summer. She met a woman there who reminded her of a lover of hers, personality-wise. As luck would have it, it turned out that Lilianna also reminded this woman of a lover of hers. Although both women identify as heterosexuals, they knew they stood to gain a lot from further conversation, so they exchanged email addresses, promising to keep in touch. The trouble is this: Lilianna had led this woman to believe that both of them were talking about former lovers, when in fact Lilianna had been talking about a current boyfriend. “She already knew I was married,” Lilianna explained. “What was I supposed to say? I was afraid that if the poly stuff came out, she'd have a lot of judgment about it – and that if she had a bad response, it might even compromise my ability to participate in these conferences in the future.” Now, though, Lilianna feels strange about further contact with her: if she and Conference Woman continue talking, the seemingly harmless “former lover” ruse would rapidly morph into an albatross around Lilianna's neck.