Poly FAQ #1: What about Jealousy?

In poly support groups everywhere, online and off, the topic of jealousy is hashed and rehashed. There is therefore nothing I can say about it that hasn't already been said.

However, today I am feeling in the mood to discuss jealousy.  

Yesterday, Parker's sister got an email from their father.  This was like a thunderbolt from the blue: the first communication from him in over twenty years.  So, I've never met my father-in-law, and he's never met any of his grandchildren. In the letter, which was about three lines long, he explains that the reason he's been so remote (ha! understatement of the decade) is because he needs to be completely disengaged from his ex-wife, "100%, not 99.9%."   

And why is that?  Because my evil stepmother-in-law is too jealous to allow him to maintain a relationship with anyone from his former life.  Apparently, he pretty much doesn't interact with anyone except her.  The whole situation is pathetic.

That's what happens when the dyad is elevated above all else, when monogamy becomes pathology.

Now that I've gotten that off my chest, here's an updated version of something I wrote on the topic of jealousy a few years ago:

In talking to people who are new to poly, or who are poly-curious, the topic of jealousy comes up so frequently because the feeling of jealousy is so pervasive. Unless you are one of those rare boddisatva types (and I have yet to meet one), then you have an ego, and you will experience jealousy. If you haven't experienced it yet, you will – and it will probably feel more crippling than you could have imagined.

While some people do seem less inclined to jealousy (my husband Parker fits into this category), I am very suspicious of people who claim not to experience jealousy at all.  In my estimation, people who've never felt jealous have either never been genuinely attached to anyone, or they have yet to experience a real threat to their feeling of attachment.   

That said, it is possible to get past jealousy in a particular relationship.  I have experienced this first hand. But it's not possible to get past it in a global sense without letting go of the ego entirely. Barring complete transcendence of ego, then, the lack of jealousy in a new relationship either doesn't mean much (i.e., it will crop up sooner or later) or it means lack of attachment. 

There are some people in the poly world who pride themselves on being "over all that jealousy bullshit" when really they're just jaded, not able to invest in their relationships very much any more.  I personally would rather be involved with people who understand that they are human, who allow themselves to feel what they feel.

However, I have known a lot of people who use the equation of jealousy = caring as an excuse for holding on to jealousy, even though it's causing all sorts of problems: "If I were to stop being jealous," they say, "I'd have to stop caring."

Jealousy is surmountable, even if it can't be entirely avoided. It just takes work. Deciding not to care is certainly the ego's way of protecting itself, but it isn't the only way to get over negative emotions. There is a better way. Experiencing jealousy, and caring enough to get over it, is the real proof that you've got a healthy relationship -- both to your own emotions and to your partner(s). Emotions, even powerful ones like jealousy, are transient. Acknowledge them and then move on.

I think of jealousy as being akin to the thirst reflex.  It's there for a reason. Yes, some people's thirst reflex kicks in the second they walk out into the sunshine without their water bottle.  Other people can travel all day through the Sahara, sucking on a pebble to moisten their mouths.  But just as we all need water, we all need to feel some degree of security in our relationships with others.  Jealousy is an emotional reflex, warning us that we're feeling insecure.  

There are lots of factors that contribute to how much jealousy a given person will experience. Here are a few possibilities:

1. Genetic predisposition toward jealousy, or to lack thereof.
2. Early childhood experiences – secure/insecure attachment to parent figure(s), etc.
3. Previous important relationships, both sexual and platonic: did you have any experiences that would lead you to mistrust others? How have you overcome jealousy in the past?
4. Cultural milieu. Each of us is aware of, and affected by, multiple cultures and subcultures. In some cultures, violence in the name of jealousy is expected and excused. In the poly subculture, the less jealous you are, the more highly "evolved" you've proven yourself to be – and this sets up a scenario in which some people are at pains to convince themselves and others that they are really more okay than they are, simply because they want respect from their peers. What they will get, instead, is drama. Jealousy is the perpetual unwanted guest at the polyamorous dinner party. If you want to show him to the door, you first have to acknowledge the fact that yes, he's sitting there, flinging mashed potatoes around, shooting peas at the host, just generally behaving like an ass.

There are also factors that are specific to specific relationships:

5. How new is the relationship? The jealousy experienced in long-standing relationships has a different quality to it. In general, people are most likely to feel most jealous in the “obsessive” phase of a new relationship. But it's also true that having a long-standing partner become obsessive about someone new can be very difficult, because there's a lot at stake.
6. Precedents set in previous situations with the partner in question. Do you trust your partner to stick around, to communicate with you, etc.? If so, it will be easier to work through jealousy. If there is no precedent – if this is the first time this partner has been interested in someone else – the experience of jealousy will be more acute, partly because you don't know what to expect.
7. How dispensable do you feel? If there's good reason to think that your partner's interest in someone else means he or she will leave you, then jealousy is nigh impossible to resolve. This is why, in the general culture, where infidelity frequently leads to divorce, jealousy is this monstrous awful thing, far worse than the annoying dinner guest at the poly table.
8. The strength of the relationship(s) between all people involved. The stronger these are, the better the chances of resolving jealousy. And in my experience, strong relationships rely on honesty and effective communication.

So, let's say your emotional "thirst reflex" has kicked in.  You realize you're feeling insecure.  Are you justified in feeling insecure?  Maybe yes, and maybe no, but jealousy is your cue to pay attention to what is happening -- in your relationship and inside yourself.  The real question is this: knowing what you know -- about yourself, your partner(s), the history of the relationship(s) -- how are you going to regain a sense of security?  In short, what are you going to DO with your jealousy?

A piece of advice: when you find yourself in a chaotic sea of emotion, storm-tossed, clinging to what feels like the wreckage of your ego, please don't drink the seawater.