Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Whether we're talking about the U.S. military's stance on gays or a method of coping with jealousy, my opinion on “Don't ask, don't tell” is the same: bad policy.

Yes, there are times when it's appropriate to keep your lips zipped about what exactly has been going on in the bedroom(s), boardroom(s), or other place(s) of pleasure you tend to frequent. But I've never yet seen a case in which a blanket “don't ask, don't tell” policy has worked out well for people in an intimate relationship.

Why is that? My guess is that all that not talking about IT, whatever the big, scary “IT” might be, is just not conducive to intimacy.

In the throes of jealousy, ignorance can look like bliss. But when you tell your lover, “Do whatever you want, just so long as I don't have to hear about it,” you're signing up for all kinds of petty discomforts that, over time, will grow to far outweigh your present pain.

To illustrate, here's a typical “don't ask, don't tell” phone conversation:

Person A: “So what have you been up to?”

Person B: “Oh...Nothing much.”

Person A: “Oh. So...is this not a good time to talk?”

Person B: “Not really, unfortunately – I'm supposed to be somewhere in 5 minutes.”

Person A: “Where?”

Person B: “Oh, I'm just meeting...someone...for lunch.”

Person A: “A friend of yours?”

Person B: “...Yeah.”

Person A: “Who?”

Person B: “I thought you didn't want to talk about this kind of stuff.”

Person A: “Oh. That kind of lunch. Well, I guess I'll talk to you some other time, when it's more convenient for you.”

I know how these types of conversations go because Scott, my I-don't-know-what-to-call-him/ex-boyfriend/occasional lover/hopefully lifelong friend, maintains that he doesn't want to know anything about my “dating life.” He says it's just too painful: even after all this time, he gets bent out of shape whenever he thinks about me with anyone else.

The problem is, his method of coping with jealousy doesn't work. It doesn't work for me, and it hasn't worked for him. If it works for you, please tell me how, exactly, you manage to live with all those awkward information gaps without feeling empty inside.

How do you maintain intimacy with a partner who doesn't want to hear about things that feel important to you? How do you satisfy the desire to have your loved ones know you fully and love you for who you are, if there's a part of you they just can't accept? And how do you keep your own counsel with an entirely clear conscience, especially when this means keeping someone in the dark?

It may be that someone can provide satisfactory answers to these questions. Until then, I'll be on my soapbox.