Calming the Jealous Stomach: Practical Advice

I'm halfway tempted not to follow up on last post's promise of some practical tips for getting through jealousy, because it's feeling a tad irrelevant just now. The week's theme has been something more along the lines of Best Made Plans Go Awry. Stomach flu will do that to you.

However, suffering is suffering, and acute jealousy has also been known to wreak havoc on the digestive system, and so, in sympathy & as promised: here's some ginger ale for the soul.

Things YOU (as the person-experiencing-jealousy) can do:

1. Pay attention to your emotions in a non-judgmental way. It's especially important to recognize primary emotions – in other words, not thoughts, but visceral feelings. Acute jealousy is usually characterized by a mix of fear and envy, but sadness and anger are also common emotional components. There is nothing wrong with any of these emotions; each emotion you experience is trying to tell you something. Your job is to listen. If you don't understand how you feel, you will not be able to communicate your needs to others.
2. Think about the causes, internal and external, of the emotions you are experiencing. Write a list of these, and be as specific as possible. A list for fear might looks something like this: “I'm afraid Honeybun is going to leave me for Candyman. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid I'll hate myself later if this all turns out badly. I'm afraid I'm never going to feel okay again.” A list for envy might looks something like this: “I'm envious of Candyman's good luck: when's the last time Honeybun answered the phone in that tone of voice when I called? I'm envious of Honeybun, because she's got this exciting trip planned with Candyman, and I'll be stuck at home. I'm envious because Candyman has that jawline and that great head of hair – no wonder Honeybun is smitten.” A list for sadness might look like this: “I'm sad because it feels like everything has changed, and something got lost, I'm not sure what.... I'm sad because things went sour between me and Lollipop, and I never heard from her again. I'm sad because Honeybun forgot to ask me about how my big work event went, and it makes me feel like I don't matter to her anymore.”
3. Communicate your feelings to your partner. Ask for what you need – but beware of the impulse to say something like, “I need this relationship with Candyman to STOP.” We are assuming, here, that you and your partner have agreed to an open relationship. We are assuming that you would like to be able to take responsibility for your own jealousy, that you aren't comfortable blaming it all on an external circumstance, specifically the existence of a threatening Other Person in your partner's life. The rule of thumb that has been helpful for me and for other poly people I know: asking your partner to DO something (with/for you) is fine; asking him or her to REFRAIN from doing something (with/for the other person) is problematic. Note that not all of your “can you please do this for me” requests may seem strictly reasonable to you, but go ahead and voice them if they're not going to be too difficult for your partner to honor. For example, you might say, “Could you please change the sheets after Candyman comes over – every time, no matter what the two of you might or might not have done in the bed?” What you are really saying is, “Right now, I need to feel like I have some control over what happens in my bedroom,” and if a little bit of sheet-shuffling is going to help, by all means, ask your partner to humor you!
4. If possible, communicate with that scary Other Person who seems to be the cause of a lot of your negative feelings. You may feel like this is the last thing you'd want to do, but I promise you that direct communication, though initially awkward, really pays off. Half of your jealous anxiety probably boils down to distrust of the Other Person, whom you are mentally casting as The Enemy, and it's hard to learn to trust someone you don't know and/or can't talk to.
5. Avoid the comparison trap. You may feel tempted to ask your partner to run the numbers – that is, to tell you everything that's “better” about you, vs. everything that's “better” about the Other Person, hoping that when all's said and done, you'll still come out on top. Go ahead and ask your partner to tell you what they love/admire/appreciate about you, but don't get your reassurance at someone else's expense. This does not need to be a winner/loser situation. You're going to feel jealous as long as you continue thinking that this is a competition. Also, demanding that your partner answer a question like, “Who gives better head, me or Candyman?” is just asking for trouble. Let's say your partner answers, truthfully, “You do.” Even then, your superior position is not secure: what if Candyman perseveres until he surpasses you? What if, years down the road, your Honeybun meets Ms. Cunnilingus Spectacular, and your hard-won trophy ends up going to her?  Or what if Honeybun decides that oral sex is nothing compared to that mind-blowing thing Candyman does with the shock-waves emanating from his sixth chakra?
6. Focus some real energy on your own pursuits – and by this, I do not mean the hot pursuit of your very own Exciting New Person. Yes, you feel compelled to play the tit-for-tat game. Yes, you're hoping for the rapt attention of someone who will excite your partner's jealousy. Yes, you want “in” on some fun, your very own fun. Yes, you desperately want to be distracted from this sucky state you're in. So go ahead and put up that updated dating profile, write that potentially interesting friend you met at that convention last year, make those sparks fly on the dance floor – but realize, please, that this is not the greatest time to start a new relationship of your own. You're highly unstable just now. Take some time to get yourself grounded, first. And one of the best ways to do this is to get in touch with yourself, with what really matters to you, with what feeds your soul. Art – in whatever form you practice it – is good. Exercise – in whatever way works best for you – is good. Learning – about whatever intrigues you – is good. Service – to whatever cause could really use your help – is good.
7. Finally, throw yourself the occasional “Poor Baby” party. You'll be the only guest, which means that the only person you'll need to please is yourself. If Honeybun has gone off with Candyman for the night, don't spend your evening doing the dishes or, worse, frantically going through the Craigslist “Casual Encounters” section. Instead, treat yourself to whatever relatively harmless indulgences you most enjoy. Sure, have a beer or a bowl of ice cream, or even both together, if that's your thing – but do remember that the point is to enjoy yourself, to spend some time taking care of you, not to give yourself a reason to feel worse about the way you're coping with your situation.