Public Displays of Availability

So today, Travis changed his Facebook relationship status from “Single” to “In a Relationship.” I was kind of pleased by this, and also nonplussed: he's been in a relationship with me for over a year now. What's changed? Why the sudden desire to publicly acknowledge something he's been keeping pretty private?

My fourteen-year-old son Denali also changed his relationship status. He asked a girl if she would go out with him (whatever that means), she said yes, and apparently a few whole hours elapsed between this interchange and the Facebook announcement.

In mulling over the day's events, and thinking about my last post on internet dating, I remembered that Parker still has a profile up, even though he hasn't seemed interested in writing anyone, or dating, or even thinking much about relationships, for quite a while now.  So this evening, I asked him, "Why are you still on OKCupid?"  He shrugged. "Deleting it would would take work.  And besides, this way I have all my information there, in case I want it later. Why'd you ever delete yours? It just means you might end up having to answer all those same questions again!"  (IMO, the "leave it on idle" strategy probably works better if you're a man, unless you're a woman who feels okay about simply ignoring everyone who writes you, which I'm not.) 

Meanwhile, my friend Lilianna and her long-term lover Robin have been embroiled in...something, let's call it a drama lasagna, just to be cheesy...about the fact that she's begun a relationship with Paul, whom she originally met on a dating site. When Lilianna suggested that perhaps Robin ought to think about dating other people himself, he responded, “I do not want to fucking date!” She said she bet he would have a dating profile up before the week was out. And he did. “You're going to be upset,” he told her, “But I wrote somebody.” Lilianna responded that she had figured as much. Robin was apparently unhappy with this response – he had been hoping to get more of a rise out of her. Ah, yes: the jealous lover, wanting to dish it out instead of having to just take it. The tit-for-tat impulse is a fairly common reaction to extreme jealousy: “Oh yeah? Well, I can make you jealous, too! So neener, neener!” Although I'm embarrassed to admit it, I've reacted this way to jealousy myself. 

So, yes, I've been thinking quite a bit about availability lately. What makes us feel open to exploring new relationships? What makes us feel like focusing on our existing relationship(s)? In other words, why does the prospect of dating elicit internal responses that run the gamut from “wow, how exciting!” to “meh – why bother, really?” to “no way in hell”? And, finally, what makes us want to take these feelings public – to advertise our availability to others, announcing, as it were, that we are “free for the taking” or “already taken”?

For people who identify as monogamous, the answers to these sorts of questions seem like they'd be pretty straightforward: you feel open to dating when you are single, or because you sense that your days as one of a couple are numbered; on the other hand, when you're in love, and have committed to someone, you stop feeling like you want to date anyone else. Ergo, for practical reasons, you let everyone know when you're single, and you take care to announce a change in status as a way of communicating – to yourself, your partner, and everyone else – that you are now committed to someone and thus off-limits to everyone else.

So, why might a poly person who is already in at least one relationship choose to advertise her availability? 

And why might a poly person – who considers herself open by definition to new relationships – choose not to put herself out there?

Digging a little deeper, why might this hypothetical poly person feel the need to explain/apologize BOTH when she feels open to new relationships AND when she feels closed to them?

Yeah, yeah, I'm talking about myself again.

When I put my profile up on OKCupid in the fall of 2008, I remember having this feeling like I had to justify my desire to date – like I was defending myself from someone, I don't know who, but someone whom I imagined passing judgment, like maybe my ex-boyfriend Scott (“Admit it – you're really just a horny housewife!”) or my mother-in-law (“Maybe you should focus on appreciating what you have, just for a change!”) or those gilt-winged recording angels on high (“Greedy little trollop – don't let her in!”).

Then, when I deleted my profile in the summer of 2009, I felt like I had to justify that, too. I remember explaining myself to Travis, somewhat sheepishly, on the evening of our first date.

“So you won't be able to contact me on OKCupid anymore,” I told him, “Because I removed my profile this morning.”

“Oh? Why'd you do that?”

“Well...I guess, because I'm poly, I'm theoretically open to new relationships... but I've been pretty pleased by how things have been going with Drew, this guy I've been dating, and, oh, I don't know... I have only so much free time, you know?”

But I did leave the door open for Travis that evening, just a smidge, and I'm glad I did.