When Scott and I first started dating, he had a primary partner, Monique. That made me his secondary partner. Except that early on, it became clear to me that I was more important to him – which put me in kind of an uncomfortable position.
This is from my July 4, 1999 journal entry, just before Scott and Monique got married: I think I complained about the timing [of the wedding] for some reason & [Scott] asked if I wanted him to call it off. I said of course not. He said he would if I wanted him to, seriously. That is a scary thought, even if it isn't entirely true. Sometimes [Scott] says scary things. Like when he said, when I was worried about taking too much time one day, that I was what was most important. Then, almost as an afterthought, he said that [Monique] was also important & we'd have to share pre-eminence. Then a minute later as he was hugging me he said, “Well, you know what? Maybe you and [Monique] are equal in importance...but you're more special.” Kind of a weird little thought there. I never know what to do with sentiments of that kind & I assure you they are entirely unsolicited. In fact they make me nervous.
Not surprisingly, given Scott's priorities, his marriage didn't last long. For about a year after his divorce, I was his only partner, which put me in a different kind of uncomfortable position, because there was a big gap between how much time he wanted to spend with me and how much time I could afford to spend with him. I was simultaneously relieved and totally freaked out when he started dating Chani. On the one hand, some of the pressure was off. The imbalance between what he wanted and what I had to give was lessened. I had two partners, he had two partners: even-steven. On the other hand, Chani wasn't happy about me being in the picture at all, which worried me: was I going to be ousted from Scott's life entirely? After a few months, it became clear to me that, regardless of what Chani might have wanted, I was still Scott's first priority...a big relief, and a return to the familiar sense of guilt about the fact that, however crazy about him I was, Scott wasn't my first priority. There was also the discomfort I felt about “winning” at someone else's expense: I had felt bad for Monique, and then I felt bad for Chani.
The following journal entry from October of 2003 highlights the jockeying-for-position problem: Also heard from [Scott] that [Chani] is having a hard time and she sat him down & made all these demands, such as that when he's visiting me, we can't talk about her at all. Now I know why she is taking this tactic – it isn't just wanting to keep things separate, to keep her relationship w. him uncontaminated & in her power, it is also that she is petrified of what [Scott] might say, how he would represent her, and rather than torture herself with the possibilities she is trying to make it so that she doesn't need to wonder since no talking about her is going to happen – but it just burns me that [Scott] is capitulating to this demand at all. He only told me about this because I specifically asked, and said he thought she was taking it too far but he needed to respect how she's feeling & that he didn't really need to talk about her. I know this is just a power struggle – my wanting him to talk about her is my way “in” to that relationship, and therefore my way of asserting some control (via being in the know) where I really have none. But she and I are in direct opposition: she wants to pretend I don't exist, and I need to show her that I do, and if [Scott] seems to be taking her part in this, which last night he was, then my anger and frustration get directed at him – unfairly, perhaps, since he's only trying to balance in a precarious position. But it does make me totally pissed off at him, in a very childish way: I want to say fine then, see ya. No [Viny], presto, [Chani] is overjoyed, and then we'll see how important she really is to you when I am not around (because I do not think [Chani] is what he really wants – she's just a good [Viny] supplement to him, which is really a shame when you consider how it would feel to be her, which is why I can't really blame her for her bad behavior – it's really more his fault).
Yeah. Kind of psycho.
In all, I spent six years as Scott's primary-secondary. In December of 2004, I moved away – partly because I could no longer tolerate the pressure and the guilt (not to mention the beauty pageant drama, given what it cost everyone for me to keep holding onto that goddamn tiara) – and my relationship with Scott became more of a tertiary thing for both of us, with various ups & downs.
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