Poly FAQ #5: “Wouldn't you rather be with someone you could have all to yourself?”

The conversations about today's FAQ come to you courtesy of my mother-in-law, my sister-in-law, and my boyfriend.

While I was out of town recently, I had the following conversation with Helen (m-i-l) and Liz (s-i-l):

Viny: Travis thinks he might tell his mother that he's dating a married woman. He's going to visit her in a week, and he's thinking that in person is the best way to bring it up.

Helen: And you're worried about this?

Viny: His mom is going to say, “What are you doing with that tart? Why don't you find a nice girl to date, someone you don't have to share?”

Liz: That's a good question.

Um, gee, thanks.

Tarty-licious, c'est moi.

But seriously, let's take a good look at the question. “Why be with a polyamorous person? Wouldn't you rather be with someone you could have all to yourself?”

Here's Travis's response to this FAQ:

Travis: You know, you could ask this same question of you, or Parker.

Viny: Yeah....I guess you could. But I'm asking you. Or is this going to be uncomfortable?

Travis: Let's do it. And, it might be uncomfortable.

Viny: Okay...so it seems like there are really two questions: one is, why did you consider dating a poly person in the first place, and the other is, why are you continuing to date me, when there are all kinds of nice single girls out there?

Travis: It's hard to tie it up into a nice little box of reasons. But I would say that initially, when I first met you, I felt a chemistry there.

Viny: And the fact that I was already married wasn't a deal-breaker, because...?

Travis: Well, I'd already had experiences of being involved with people who were involved with someone else. There was Dee, who was poly. And Sallie – she was still emotionally connected to all her ex-boyfriends. I mean, there was one of them, we used to go through the crawl-space between our apartments to visit him. And there was the affair, too, with the woman who was married. So, on a surface level, I had no absolutist, moralistic view about the whole thing.

Viny: Your previous experience didn't give you any reason to think I would be a disaster.

Travis: As for deeper reasons – well, there are possible childhood things that primed me in this direction.

Viny: Do tell.

Travis: My grandfather left my grandmother when I was a kid. Not a divorce, but the whole Catholic separation thing. He was passionate about someone else.

Viny: And you think this affected you...how?

Travis: I don't know, I'm just saying there were things I observed, influences. Examples of fidelity and examples of escape. I remember my dad telling me, “Don't get married too young!” I mean, he loved my mother. But he would escape. He needed frequent breaks. Maybe it was because he got saddled with so much responsibility at such a young age. You know, the alcohol was like a mistress, in a way.

Viny: Do you think your dad's mixed message about marriage had something to do with why you never married?

Travis: Maybe. There's a lot of programming that's unconscious: be the hero, do what's expected. Maybe I heard a warning in what my dad said because I already had this huge fear of getting trapped in something – children, wife, mortgage – and never being able to find myself.

Viny: Your life wouldn't be your own.

Travis: I'm empathetic to the point that I can lose touch with my own needs. I think I was worried I would do that. Which is not to say I've never wanted to be married. There's a push-pull built into my character. And...there's all the perplexing, hypocritical ways people behave, despite their good intentions. People make promises, and they break them. This is what I've observed.

Viny: So it sounds like you have basically two reasons for being involved with a poly person: 1) your previous experiences with sharing a lover were basically positive, and 2) you have an ambivalence about marriage, about more “conventional” relationships.

Travis: Yes. But there's also a third reason, which is that I have a desire for something real. If I'm feeling something strongly, I trust that. I'm willing to let something turn out really badly. I'm willing to let myself be burnt up in something, if that's how it's going to be: good, bad, ecstatic, heartbreaking, whatever, I'm willing to let myself feel those things. There's something in my psyche that draws me to these things, these experiences, and ultimately I think that's positive. For me, if there's something there, then I want to express that. It's about being honest.

Viny: It occurs to me that the question we're talking about is really two questions – I mean, beyond the “initially” vs. “continuing” distinction I already made. One question is, “Why would you put up with sharing a partner?” – and this is the question that could also be asked of me, or of Parker. The other question is, “Why would you put up with being a secondary?”

Travis: It's true that being the secondary doesn't always feel good. There is a demonstrable difference.

Viny: A difference in...?

Travis: Status, a difference in status. I'm aware of that, and so part of me wants to be in a primary position. That's not the same, though, as wanting to be a “one and only.” People are complex, and the facile romantic “one and only” doesn't really make sense to me. And you know, it isn't like I think this is the end spot. There could be very different configurations in the future. Maybe someday I will have another relationship, a primary partner, and you and I will be each other's secondaries.

Viny: This position you're in is a temporary thing.

Travis: Yeah. I think things change. When we first got involved, I looked at this as being a fluid situation – it's not calcified into one particular structure. That's not the same thing as wanting you to change your situation on account of me. Whether things change or not, ultimately, the answer to the question – to both questions – is because it seems worth it to me.

Viny: Isn't this ALWAYS the answer to any “Why are you involved with this person?” kind of question? Obviously, because it's worth it to you. Right?

Travis: Yeah...I have to admit I was feeling a little defensive when we started the interview. The implication is that there's something WRONG with me if I think it's worth it.

Viny: I know. Remember my entry about, “If you're poly, there must be something wrong with you?” It's also the implication for people who are involved with someone poly. “What's wrong with you? Can you not find someone better?”

Travis: Yes, there's something wrong with me. And there's something wrong with EVERYBODY.

Viny: Still, let's look at what might be 'wrong' with you, specifically. You've said that you felt ambivalent about getting married. You have a need for privacy, but you also want to be with someone. Do you think your thing about inhabiting two worlds is operative here? Not fully committing to either world? That you find it appealing to have one foot in and one foot out? Were you attracted to me because I wasn't totally available? Because I was a way for you to stay single AND to be in a relationship, at the same time?

Travis: I don't know if it was a primary draw. It wasn't conscious. But as a kind of substrate, yeah. I have tended to get into situations where there's some kind of impossibility there. There's something – call it 'identity' versus 'merging' – that I've been trying to work out my whole life. It's been a problem.

Viny: So my being poly is maybe just another manifestation of a pattern in your relationships?

Travis: Yes. But it's just as true that, for me, my relationships, what's comfortable to me in a relationship – it's just not going to fit the traditional mold. You see what I mean about there being no neat answer.

Viny: The only neat answer is, “Because it's worth it to me.”

Travis: Yes, if there has to be a neat answer. There's also the fact that you're so darn adorable. You can quote me on that. I obviously can't help myself!