I know we're supposed to be doing the Primary/Secondary/Tertiary Kama Sutra thing today, but Parker and I are going out for a celebratory dinner at a shmancy restaurant tonight, and I'm thinking about food.
Maybe today's post should be structured more like an Italian meal: we'll talk about Viny as the primo (first course – generally some kind of buttery, creamy pasta/rice dish), the secondo (second course – usually a fairly plain piece of meat), and some kind of contorno (side dish – vegetables, salad). Mmmm, all those food=sex metaphors....
I'm probably more fattening as a secondary, though. We might have to switch the order around.
(Self-serving, marginally [margarine-ly?) related anecdote: My friend Cate told me that her boyfriend asked her whether I'd had a boob job, and she said, “Nope – that's all her! She's a dish, isn't she?”)
Okay, let's get back on a track that's not headed straight for the gutter, shall we? (Of course, speaking of gutters and gutterballs, we could always start playing with all those sports=sex metaphors: after all, exercise is important, especially if you're planning on consuming multi-course meals on a regular basis....)
Okay. I'm done with goofing off now. Really. At least mostly.
Viny as Primary/Main Dish
I have a lot of experience with being a primary. I've been Parker's primary partner for the last, oh, eighteen years – twenty, if you count the years before we moved in together.
And it's been just like Fiddler on the Roof: I've shared his bed, given him children, done his laundry on a regular basis. I'm sure I would have milked the cow, too, if we'd ever had one. In short, Parker and I have been through it all together: sickness & health, riches (ha! I wish!) and poverty.
We've also been through each other's other relationships.
Being the primary of someone who has a secondary is a little different than being the primary partner of someone who has no other partner.
Initially, when Parker first started dating Lilianna, I experienced some anxiety that was probably connected to a fear of losing my status/position as his “primary.” Later, when my insecurity had abated somewhat, I sometimes felt like I wasn't very exciting in comparison to her: I was the boring piece of meat, and she was the wild mushroom risotto with wine sauce. But most of the time, I have felt good about sharing him, even though it hasn't always been easy.
There was the time Parker came home from a date and said to me, “I hope it's okay with you that I asked Lilianna to marry us.” It's hard to describe how that made me feel – it was a strange mix! – but I remember feeling very connected to him. It wasn't a cerebral thing. It was a kind of emotional understanding, an intimate knowledge: “I know this man.”
Another time, I wanted to go to a specific restaurant (“The Dish,” as it happens! How apropos!) for Parker's and my wedding anniversary, and then found out that Lilianna had made reservations for her and Parker to go to the same restaurant two days before our anniversary. I called up Lilianna and asked if she would mind going with Parker to a different restaurant. I explained that I wanted our anniversary dinner to be special. She said she understood. Then I said, “Never mind, I'm being silly – it's fine with me if you guys go to The Dish too.” So he went with her, and then two days later, he went with me. And the very next day, they moved the restaurant, and it turned into a completely different thing, and I was glad I hadn't deprived Lilianna of a last visit there with my “I don't want to come second” bullshit.
Which brings me to a point I've been wanting to make about what's sometimes called “Absolute Veto Power” on the poly menu. I refer to the agreement some people make with a primary partner, allowing him or her to veto any secondary partner who's too threatening (for whatever reason).
Sorry, but I think the veto concept is garbage.
If you, as primary, are feeling so threatened by your partner's secondary that you're tempted to exercise your Absolute Veto Power, what that means is you've got some work to do. Take responsibility for your own jealousy. Communicate your needs – making sure, first, that you're not just kowtowing to your fears. Get to know that scary other person. If you're still feeling like your partner needs to ditch his/her other relationship, even after you've done all you can to open yourself up to it, then you need to take a serious look at the primary relationship. If you can't trust your primary partner to choose a secondary who isn't an absolute mess, what does that tell you?
Viny as Secondary/Side Dish
I have a lot of experience with being a secondary, too.
And again, my experience of secondary-ness has varied, depending on the other elements in the relationship petri dish.
(Petri dish. Get it? Whew – being clever is exhausting. I think I'll have to continue this later....)
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