Okay, I have a confession to make: I’m not really sure what the Poly Party Line on this topic is. There’s not a whole lot out there about the challenges and rewards of being a polyamorous parent.
I do know that there is a running debate about whether or not it harms children to be raised by polyamorous parents, and I do feel comfortable assuming that most poly parents would prefer not to be viewed as unfit to raise their own children.
However, I can’t answer the question of whether, in which ways, and to what degree polyamory, as practiced by parents, may result in poor child outcomes. That would require a large-scale research study – and that's putting aside questions about the scientific method, etc. Anyway, to my knowledge, no such study exists.
My treatment of this topic is therefore going to be highly personal.
So, before I go any further, I’d better describe my idiosyncratic situation just a little bit.
My husband Parker and I got married in 1993. Our son Denali was born in October of 1996. My boyfriend Scott entered the picture in December of 1998. Although Scott never lived with us, he was a big part of our lives, and Denali was attached to him. Parker and I never tried to keep the nature of my relationship with Scott a secret from Denali; on the other hand, he was too young to really understand it until after we’d split up (more or less). That happened when Denali was eight. The “nuclear” family moved to a different state, and Scott stayed behind. About a year after relocating, in December of 2005, we met Lilianna and Rick. By then, Denali was able to understand what it meant that his parents were becoming more than “just friends” with these people, although he was alone among the children in this knowledge, since Lilianna and Rick’s two daughters were just 2 and 5 at the time. Our two families did a lot together, but we maintained completely separate households. Parker and Lilianna’s relationship has been sort of on-again, off-again, as far as the romance is concerned; my relationship with Rick went into a sort of decline after about a year, and the end of our romance basically coincided with me getting pregant with Sienna in the spring of 2007. By that time, I had come out to my parents – in large part because I felt that continuing to keep secrets from them would end up causing issues for Denali. (I remember making a point of telling my mother that I was certain the baby was Parker’s, because I figured she’d be wondering.) Aside from one significant falling-out and the six months or so that followed, Lilianna, Rick, and their two girls have been close family friends for over five years now. My children have also been exposed, to a greater or lesser extent, to some other “extraneous people” (to use my mother’s not-so-kind euphemism). Denali and Sienna were both fond of Drew, the endearingly manic artist I dated for about six months. Sienna has accompanied me on two separate occasions when I’ve gone to visit Scott, and she warmed up to him immediately (which didn’t surprise me – Scott is fantastic with kids). And both of my children – Sienna especially – have bonded with Travis, my current boyfriend.
So, with the background squared away in a nice tidy little plot – I refer to the veritable (p)rose garden of my previous paragraph -- let’s move on to some specific concerns about the possible impacts of polyamory on children:
1) Moral corruption: what if kids are contaminated somehow by what their parents are doing?
2) Family instability (i.e., are polyamorous parents more likely to divorce?)
3) Other forms of instability/unpredictability, as people enter and exit the picture
4) Other commitments/activities and/or increased drama siphon time & energy away from children
5) Social discomfort: kids may feel that their family is “different” and experience anxiety about fitting in; they may be adversely impacted by the judgment of others
I’m going to throw out the first concern, after making an observation about integrity.
I have heard of parents who take pains to present a monogamous façade to their children, and I question the wisdom of this approach. A “keep it from the kids” philosophy seems to be more common among swingers, and perhaps that makes sense, given the more casual nature of the extra-marital connections in that world – after all, children shouldn’t be privy to the details of their parents’ sex lives. However, it seems to me that children are highly sensitive, and likely to intuit that their parents’ relationship is not quite as it appears. In my view, it’s best to tell your kids the truth, insofar as it’s age-appropriate to do so. You may choose to omit certain details, or to sketch just a vague outline, particularly if your children are very young. However, I see no good reason for lying to your kids about who you are and what you’re up to. If you are embarrassed by your own actions and/or worry that exposure even to the concept of non-monogamy would somehow be damaging to your children, then – in my not-so-humble opinion – you have no business being polyamorous. Have a little integrity, please, and live according to your vision of what’s right and what’s wrong. Your children are far more likely to be harmed by the deception that cloaks your “do as I say, not as I do” hypocrisy than by the simple fact of your non-monogamy.
As for the second concern, it’s one I’ve heard a lot, and it may have more merit than the first, even if I don’t think it’s relevant to me or my family.
When Parker’s mother first discovered the fact that we had an open marriage, her primary concern was for Denali, whom she called the “real victim” of the situation. Parker's and my eventual divorce was just about a foregone conclusion, as far as she was concerned, and she wasn’t alone assuming that our marriage was doomed.
To all you pessimists out there: please don’t hold your breath. Parker and I have no intention of ever divorcing. Our children have the luxury of being raised by parents who love each other and who love them. That seems pretty ideal to me.
As for whether polyamorous parents are statistically more likely to divorce than monogamous parents, we’re back to speculating, since there’s no data on which to base our discussion. My feeling is that, if we’re talking about parents who have recently opened up their marriage (either because of dissatisfaction with the marriage or because one partner has fallen in love with someone else), yes, there’s a higher-than-average likelihood of divorce. Jealousy is most acute in its early phase. And transitions of any kind are stressful, and can push people apart. I’ve seen a lot of couples “experiment” with polyamory as a way of addressing problems in their relationship – and a high percentage of these folks do end up divorced. However, my suspicion is that they wouldn’t have been able to make it work anyway. I don’t think polyamory causes people to divorce, unless their interest in polyamory is just a symptom of the larger problem, which is that the marriage is already foundering on the rocks of an underlying incompatibility.
The bottom line with the second concern is this: from a kid's perspective, the problem is divorce, not polyamory. Yes, divorce can be bad for children – and there are statistics to back this up. However, if there’s a lot of conflict and dysfunction in their parents' marriage, divorce may be the lesser of the evils.
The remaining concerns I listed above – about polyamory becoming an energy drain, contributing to instability/chaos in parents’ lives & thus causing trouble for kids, and about how being part of an atypical family can be a source of anxiety for children – deserve a more thorough unpacking, and I’ll explore them at length in my next post(s).
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