I'm losing steam on this topic, but, as they say, Onward Xtian Soldiers: we've got three more concerns to address, and dadgummit all to heck, we're gonna get through them ALL today (ha, ha, ha).
So. The thing about possible insecurity/unpredictability being added to kids' lives if their polyamorous parent(s) have lovers entering and exiting the scene – let's discuss.
It seems to me like there are a couple of implicit assumptions operating here.
First, there's the notion that polyamorous relationships are somehow going to be more volatile than supposedly monogamous ones. There are single parents who subject their children to an endless parade of hopefuls; does it really matter, from the kid's point of view, whether Mom or Dad is dating just one person at a time, when no one sticks around for longer than a few months?
Secondly, there's the idea that kids are going to feel insecure if their parents' personal lives aren't stable enough. What is “stable enough”? Is there such a thing as too stable? Might different children differ in terms of how much stability they need in order to feel secure?
My own children, for example, are gregarious, inquisitive, and adaptable – real “people” people, both of them. They enjoy making new friends, and don't seem unduly worried about whether or not the people they like are going to stick around. They've never lost anyone they've really loved, and although their good luck can't be expected to hold out forever – like all of us, they're fated to lose someone they love eventually – I hope they make it through childhood without experiencing a loss of any great magnitude.
That said, there have been times when I've worried about my kids being adversely affected by changes in my personal life, or in Parker's. Denali, especially, has been exposed to some relationship drama. For example, he was about six when Scott and I went through a rough patch; one evening, Denali came into my bedroom to find me crying my eyes out. I was on the phone with Scott, who was furious with me. After I hung up, Denali asked me why I was so upset. He seemed bewildered. I remember trying to explain to him what was going on, in terms he would understand.
Denali was affected when Scott dropped out of our lives for about a year, after I started dating Rick. He was also affected when Lilianna and I had our falling-out: he didn't see her, Rick, or their kids for a long time. Not only that, but he was well aware of how hard that separation was on both of his parents. Interestingly, though, he was far more hopeful about a reconciliation than we were: “You can't stay mad at each other forever,” he told us. “I'm sure it will all work out.”
And he was right. Let me share another memory, this one from last summer:
I'm walking through downtown San Francisco, carrying my daughter Sienna in my arms. Just ahead of me are my husband Parker and my friend Lilianna, holding hands. Just behind me, my son Denali and my ex-boyfriend Scott are carrying on an animated conversation about zombies. We've just had a fantastic Indian dinner, and I'm full of mango shrimp and palak paneer. It feels like arrival, this moment: our various trajectories have converged, and here we are, reunited, a perfect point in time. It won't last, but that's not what matters.
I guess what I'm trying to say is this (and please forgive the cliché): life isn't always clear sailing. At least for a time, children are along for the ride their caregivers are on, like it or not. This is true of all parents and all children. The question is, are polyamorous parents dragging their children along on a journey fraught with more than the usual peril? In the case of my own family, I'd say no.
And now, grand planning and grandstanding notwithstanding, I'm going to have to bid you adieu. I can't get into the “limited time and energy” topic just now, because I've got limited time and energy, and I need to eat lunch and then I need to spend the afternoon hanging out with my three-year-old.
No comments:
Post a Comment