Is Polyamory Like Communism? (DP vs. PPL #4)

Hallelujah -- we've finally moved on from topic #3, which was starting to seem like the Bermuda Triangle.

Just to refresh our memories: the Dominant Paradigm is saying something like, “Maybe polyamory is okay in theory – but there are all kinds of biological, cultural, and practical reasons why it won't work.” And the Poly Party Line's response goes something like, “Oh yeah? Give me your reasons, and I'll shoot them down, one by one.”

When my mother-in-law was here, I asked her to help me brainstorm a list of objections that might fit our rubric for this post. It was a beautiful morning. We were following Sienna out to the communtiy garden. I had a pencil and my “Reform School Girl: Complete and Unabridged Journal” in hand.

The conversation Helen and I ended up having didn't go precisely how I'd imagined the DP vs. PPL match going, but sometimes our mental mock-ups don't resemble reality, y'know?

Helen: So what's the topic again?

Viny: That polyamory may sound good in theory, but that it doesn't work in reality. Kind of like communism. It sounds good, but then there there are those long lines to buy toilet paper, and you realize it's a shitty way to govern a country.

Helen: Can I steal that line for my play?

Viny: Sure. But tell me: what are all the reasons it won't work, from your perspective, or just what you think other people might say?

Helen: Well, what immediately comes to mind is, there are only so many hours in a day. How do you organize things? It's hard enough to find time for everything as it is, let alone if you add multiple relationships.

Viny (writing furiously, thinking about previous posts on scheduling traumas, and also about how she doesn't own a television – that's a lot of “found” time right there!): Umm hmmm.

Helen: And Liz interviewed her friend – a Mormon, yes, but a democrat, so she's open-minded – and what she said was, “I want to be my husband's one and only. I want to be his special person. Wouldn't you want that too?”

Viny: Um, no. I don't need to be the 'only one' to feel special.

Helen: And she said, “Wouldn't you be worried that your spouse would leave you for the other person?”

Viny: No.

Helen: I'm just telling you what she said.

Viny: I know. But nothing she's saying makes sense to me. We obviously inhabit different worlds.

Helen: So, okay, different worlds. You're in two different worlds all the time. You've got your day-to-day life with one person, and with the other, it's like every time you see him, it's a special thing. It's a “date,” and you get dressed up. You look forward to it.

Viny: You're saying this is a problem.

Helen: If one person is just regular, mundane, and the other person is special...

Viny: This is really about my specific situation, not about polyamory in general. What if Travis lived with us? Would you feel better about that?

Helen: Um...

Viny: You're saying that because I see Travis less frequently, he's more rare, and therefore he's special, and that Parker is someone I take for granted.

Helen: That's what I'm worried about.

Viny: You're saying that having another relationship means my “regular life” relationship with my husband is somehow...devalued.

Helen: Devalued. Yes, I like that.

Viny: There's something imbalanced in poly situations – someone is always going to lose out by comparison to someone else? Is that what you're saying?

Helen: I'm saying marriages require effort. Maybe what you're doing is an...escape.

Viny: Are you saying Parker and I aren't putting in enough effort?

Helen: No, no. I'm just saying that this might be a problem with polyamory. Maybe if they just focused a little more on their relationship...

Viny: So are we talking polyamory in general, or are we talking about what worries you about me and Parker? 'Cause I think this is your issue. You know, when I was talking about that restaurant Travis and I went to in Portland, and you said to Parker, “Aren't you jealous about the food, at least?”

Helen: Oh, I was just being funny. You know, food jealousy. So... I also interviewed my friend about this – I have the notes somewhere – and she compared polyamory to blended families – after divorce & remarriage, she had a blended family, her kids, his kids, divided loyalties – and it's hard. Why would you choose that if you had an intact family?

Viny: You're saying Travis is like a step-child?

Helen: No, I'm saying – do children feel like someone is being disloyal by lea-- by having other relationships?

Viny: That's interesting. You were just about to say, “by LEAVING” --do you think that's what it boils down to? That you're afraid I'm going to abandon my kids? Or that Parker is?

Helen: Yeah, that is interesting. I was going to say “leave,” but like, “leave for the evening.”

Viny: Uh huh. Again, does it matter to a kid whether you're leaving to see a lover or to go to a book group?

Helen: I think there's a difference. I can feel a difference.

Viny: That's because you are an adult, who has preconceived notions about what a book group is, and how that differs from a rendezvous with a lover. You're bringing a bunch of fears to the table.

Helen (not convinced): Maybe.