Boundary Bouncing

Rick and I had sex for the first time in the bed he normally shared with his wife. The pale green sheets, however, had been newly purchased for the occasion. These, Rick explained, were going to be the Viny sheets. In the morning, they would go straight into the washer, and he would remake the bed with the blue or brown sheets he shared with Lilianna.

The Viny sheets had been Lilianna's idea. She and Rick were brand new to polyamory, and she was feeling a little freaked out about the idea of another woman in her bed. At first, she'd considered asking me and Rick to conduct our amorous pursuits elsewhere entirely, but she had decided that wouldn't be practical. Either we'd have to get a hotel room, which would have been expensive, or we'd end up doing god-knows-what on her living room couch. So she decided to draw the line at sheet-sharing. No, it wasn't going to be enough to simply change the sheets between different occupants. She wanted to be certain that the sheets she was sleeping on hadn't played any part in the extra-marital action that would be taking place in the marriage bed.

Lilianna's demand seemed a tad eccentric to me, but Rick and I solemnly promised not to mix up the bed linens. If it was going to make Lilianna feel better, we'd by-god keep things kosher for her.

Interestingly, when Lilianna slept with my husband in the bed he normally shared with me, there were no rules about the sheets. Apparently, Lilianna didn't mind sharing my sheets. She just didn't want me sharing her sheets. I think she felt a little silly about this inconsistency.

“I'd be happy to get you guys a set of Lilianna sheets, for when I sleep with Parker,” she told me.

“I don't need you to do that,” I said. “Unless you want your own sheets.”

“No...but isn't that weird? I mean, you have to use separate sheets at my house. Do you mind? Do you think it's unfair of me to demand something that doesn't really make sense?”

“Don't worry – it's fine,” I told her, quite truthfully. The Viny sheets were no big deal.

A few months later, Lilianna arrived home before the bed had been stripped of my special sheets. “Oh, don't worry about it, Rick – this whole sheet-changing drill is such a hassle,” she said, and got under the covers to watch a video.

The next time I slept over, I noticed that the regular blue sheets were still on the bed. There was also a fair amount of sand in them – probably tracked in by the kids, who had a sandbox in the back yard. The era of the Viny sheets was obviously over...and, for a moment, I felt a little let down.

I learned a valuable lesson about boundaries from this experience. Lilianna made up a rule as a way of exerting some control over a situation that was otherwise out of her control. Rick and I agreed to follow her rule. We didn't tell her she was being illogical. In this way, we signaled to her that her peace of mind was important to us – and eventually, she no longer needed us to make that token concession. The Viny sheets were important to her, until they weren't. Rick and I honored the boundary Lilianna had set up, until it dissolved of its own accord.

A success story.

There have also been a few failures, some of them pretty phenomenal.

In order to illustrate some of the common mistakes people make in setting (and maintaining) boundaries in poly situations, let me share three boundary-bouncing belly-flops.

1. When Lilianna fell in love with Robin, he was married. Lilianna, Robin, and Robin's wife had talked about polyamory, and for awhile it seemed like Robin's wife might be on board. Understandably, though, she was dealing with a lot of anxiety. At one point, she made Robin and Lilianna promise not to talk to each other unless she were part of the conversation, too. In other words, no private phone calls or emails – as for seeing each other, that was completely out of the question, as Robin and his wife lived in a different state. Lilianna and Robin capitulated to his wife's demands, but being entirely dependent on her for their communication was torture. After a few days, they broke their promise. And when Robin's wife found out that Robin had been talking to Lilianna in secret, she completely lost it. She moved out of the house, taking their 2-year-old daughter with her. What followed was 2-3 years of hell: theirs was a most acrimonious divorce.
2. In the spring of 2008, after Robin and Lilianna had been lovers for about two years, Robin came to the southwest for a visit. Rick generally preferred not to interact much with Robin, but the rest of us – Lilianna, Robin, Parker and I – often spent time together when Robin was in town. On this occasion, Robin and Lilianna were staying in one of our community guest rooms. Prior to his arrival, Lilianna had been speculating about the possibility of some kind of shared sexual energy. She was a bit vague about what she meant by this. A full-on foursome wasn't on the table, that much was clear. She didn't want that, and neither did I. Robin and I had developed something of a friendship by this point, but aside from some mild flirtation, our interactions had all been completely platonic. Anyway, to make a long story short, on night 2 of Robin's visit, Lilianna ended up in the hot tub with the two men. She was having a grand time. But she thought I ought to be there too, so she sent Parker back to the house to get me. I almost opted for a good night's sleep instead – I've often wondered how things would have turned out if I hadn't joined the three of them that night. But I did join them, with disastrous consequences. Robin and I didn't actually have sex, but we certainly overstepped Lilianna's boundaries. I'll never forget watching her march out to the parking lot the next morning – she'd packed her things in such a rush that there was a shirt sleeve sticking out of the suitcase, dragging on the sidewalk behind her. After she got back to her house, away from the scene of the crime, she and Robin spent the rest of the day on the phone. The next day, I drove him to the airport. That was the last time I ever saw him.
3. A long time ago, under a certain amount of duress, I made a promise to Scott that I did keep. This was back in the days when Scott was jealous of my relationship with Mr. E. Most of the time, Scott didn't have a lot to worry about: after all, Mr. E and I lived half a world apart. However, Mr. E had planned a visit to the States. After a lot of wrangling, I finally gave in to Scott's demands: I would see Mr. E, but there would be nothing sexual between us. I remember explaining the situation to Mr. E. We were sitting on a park bench, eating cherries. “I can spend the night,” I said, “but we can't do anything except sleep. I promised Scott.” Mr. E looked at me. “There's only one bed,” he said. “That's okay,” I assured him, “I can hold the line.” “Are you sure?” he wanted to know. “Because if you change your mind, I'm not holding the line for you.” “I'm sure,” I told him. “Don't underestimate my Mormon upbringing: I have a lot of experience with repression.” It was a long night. I hardly slept at all, tossing between frustrated desire for Mr. E and resentment at Scott. And here's the real kicker – I don't think Scott ever believed me that I'd kept my word. It made me mad: screw this kow-towing to Scott's jealousy, I decided -- and began the long, torturous process of extricating myself from the cage he'd constructed for me.

So here's my advice, distilled from years of experience:

Most relationships have some boundaries. They're necessary for healthy functioning. The froofy “no boundaries” idea that some folks romanticize is a nothing more than a fiasco waiting to happen. If you're going to have multiple sexual partners, you should probably establish some safe sex agreements, if nothing else.

However, one sometimes sees poly neophytes – or seasoned polyfolk who have been hit upside the head with an unexpected attack of insecurity – attempting to control their feelings by controlling the people in their life. This isn't a good idea, at least not as a long-term solution.

If you are struggling with jealousy, setting some temporary boundaries might be a good idea. If possible, try to ask that others DO something to help you, rather than asking them NOT to do something for your sake. But if you feel you must ask someone else to make a sacrifice on your behalf, the price they're paying had better go toward buying you the time you need to work through your issues. Draw a very clear line between what's okay and what's not. And give that line an expiration date, or at least a we-will-revisit-this-agreement date.

If you are trying to support your lover by allowing him or her to set some temporary boundaries, don't make a promise you know you can't keep. The agreed-upon rules need to be crystal clear. After you've drawn the lines, don't cross them until everyone agrees it's time to get out the eraser. That's it – it's that simple.