Two's Company, Three's a Crowd, Four's a Dramafest...

We all know that love is limitless, but that time is limited. Or so goes the Poly Party Line. So how many simultaneous partners are too many?

It's time to talk numbers.

In pursuit of some seasoned perspective, I sought out my friend Seamus. He's been poly as long as, or longer than, anyone else I know. Since we first met, almost six years ago, he's been a treasure-trove of information about all things poly-related, or at least sex-related – from must-reads (The Erotic Mind, for example, which is fantastic) to must-sees (I'll pass on his recommendation for Dot the I) to quotable quotes (“I'm all about instant initiation of the gratificatory process!”).

We met for lunch recently, at our usual restaurant. I ordered my usual Salmon Nicoise Salad, and he was accommodating enough to let me pilfer a few of his sweet potato fries.

Viny: What's your record number of active, local relationships? When you think of periods in your life when there was a lot going on, a lot of different people you were balancing...?

Seamus: By “active,” you mean people I was seeing...on basically a weekly basis?

Viny: Yeah.

Seamus: Hmmm. What comes to mind is around the time when we first met.

Viny: Yeah, I was thinking you might say that. How many were there?

Seamus: I'd say five. If you mean local people, people I was seeing a lot. Plus there were some people from the past, women I still had ties to, but who weren't really around as much.

Viny: Five.

Seamus: Yeah. And it was too many. I think it was a pendulum swing: I was coming out of hibernation. A relationship had ended badly, and I had spent the previous six months licking my wounds, not dating anyone.... I'd add that, as far as sustainability goes, I wouldn't think any more than...three. Three active relationships, with local people.

Viny: What made you come to the conclusion that five was too many? Was there anything you had to give up to maintain that many relationships at once?

Seamus: Oh yeah: I had no alone time at all. It was all sacrificed. There was no time for reflection. No quiet, no calm, no peace. It was all fire, drama, and booty calls.

Viny: You feel like you have a better balance now, yes?

Seamus: Things are great right now. I have time with [my primary], time with [my new girlfriend], time with [my sons] – I make sure to spend time with them every day. 'Cause, you know, they're growing up. Theoretically, they'll be out of the house soon.

Viny: What would you say motivates you to make time for your relationships?

Seamus: I get the most juice out of relationships. So I make them a priority. You know, I feel kind of dull when nothing's happening, when one day's just like another.