I've got a lot on my mind these days: in three weeks, Parker, the kids & I will be packing all our worldly possessions into a moving truck and heading northwest.
There are a lot of things up in the air, and I'm totally stressed out. So, what am I doing? Listening to Dexter Freebish's “Leaving Town,” drinking a beer (a Deschutes NWPA, in honor of the upcoming move), and writing a blog entry.
Let's skip the emotional drama for now, and focus on something a little easier, shall we?
Because I'm wondering about the future of this blog – Do I end it before I leave, or just put it on pause? How much do I even have to say about polyamory? Have I said everything I need to say? – my brain has been going back to the bloginning, the Blog Bang, when all my ideas exploded and something emerged from the chaos: a decision to write.
One of the reasons I decided I should write a blog about polyamory was because I imagined that what I have to say might be helpful to someone. There are resources out there for polyfolk, but I have found them to be less than helpful. I've already complained about what's available on the web; today, I'd like to complain about poly support groups.
(Disclaimer: everything I know about poly support groups, I've gleaned from online discussions, experiences recounted to me by friends, and attending in person maybe three or four discussions and three social events held by my local poly support group.)
In my experience, a poly support group is made up of two kinds of people: the neophytes and the old-timers.
In a discussion group, it's usually the neophytes who have the floor. These are people in the “my head is exploding” phase, which means they're either rhapsodizing about limitless love with the drunken enthusiasm of a holy roller on moonshine, or they're bleeding all over the floor. Sometimes, they've got a reluctant partner/spouse in tow, whom they're hoping to convert.
At a social event, the old-timers hold court. They've got their private jokes, their complicated & incestuous relationship histories, and a clique-ish “insiders-only” attitude. Any interest in newbies they might display seems to have less to do with a desire to be helpful and more to do with their lust for fresh meat.
My biggest problem with the discussions I've participated in, online or in person, is that they barely scratch the surface. There's a lot of talk about jealousy. People recount their experiences, good and bad. They chart the beginnings and ends of their relationships. But the neophytes aren't ready to discuss the more vexed philosophical and ethical conundrums that come up after the sturm und drang of the experimental phase, and the old-timers don't seem to be interested in rocking the boat: they've sailed into calmer waters, and they're not going to make things more complicated for themselves – unless, that is, the complication in question has a particularly nice ass.
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