As a poly person who lives in an intentional community, I am a member of two fringe groups.
The problem with being a member of a fringe group is that fringe groups attract freaks.
Let's be clear: I'm cool with dumpster-divers, peak-oil fanatics, witches, and pet psychics. Fine people, all of you. Go ahead and howl at the moon, build a sweat-lodge in your back yard, or eat raw chicken meat on a regular basis. I'll be proud to call you neighbor. I may even be pleased to call you lover.
I'm awfully fond of a lot of freaks.
No, my issue is with people like the pathetic excuse for a person who showed up in my co-housing community the other day. I was busy making moussaka for 26 people, and she shows up wanting to tour the unit that's available for rent, preferably right then and there. My husband kindly agreed to show her the empty place, since I was clearly unable to drop everything to attend to her wishes. After looking at the unit, she decided she didn't want to rent it, but she wondered if there might be any place for rent in one of the other co-housing communities in the city. My husband said he didn't know, and suggested that she contact the communities in question.
She started whining. “Oh, it sounds so hard. I'm just so tired, and my knees hurt, I've just been having problems, and everything is such a pain...I was just hoping maybe someone could help me out... ”
You see, there's a certain type of person who wants to live in co-housing because he or she is a social reject. (Their thinking apparently goes something like this: If I move into co-housing, my neighbors will HAVE to take care of me. They'll listen with a smile to my tiresome complaints about UTIs and eczema and back pains, and drive me to all my doctors' appointments. They'll have to invite me to community meals and happy hours, even if I am a complete asshole, and if I'm too lazy to get up off my sofa, someone will bring my dinner to my door.)
Unfortunately, there's a certain type of person who participates in a poly support group because he or she is incapable of attracting “normal” sexual partners, or lacks the skills necessary to maintain even ONE romantic relationship – or, to put it in a nutshell, because he or she is a social reject. (I'm not sure what their thinking is, but maybe it goes something like, Gee, I can't get laid...so maybe if I hang out with some amoral sex-fiends who subscribe to an ultra-inclusive belief system, I'll luck out and get in on SOME kind of action....)
I think Deborah Anapol must have run into a few of these gems in the search to create her perfect poly family. This is her advice to those who wish to advertise as part of their attempt to recruit new family members or even just to form a poly-friendly discussion group:
“Be forewarned that the image of a warm, loving, multiadult family is naturally appealing to anyone who has not been socialized to reject it. You will most likely trigger responses from people whose mental and social functioning is deficient in ways that limit their ability to participate in a support group” (Love Without Limits, 105).
Or, in other words: if you're operating on the fringes of society, you're going to run into people who are hanging out in your environs not because they are adventurers who chose to leave the safety of the the monogamous heartland because they wanted to ride the breathtaking rapids of the polyamorous wilderness, but because they see this lifestyle as something that will save them from their fundamental problem -- which is that they just can't get along with other people.
I'm sorry, but if you can't row, and you can't tell entertaining stories to the rowers, and you don't know anything useful about navigation or food preparation or ocean currents or weather patterns, and you aren't even going to appreciate the experience of sitting pretty while other people do all your work for you, then GET OUT OF THE FREAKIN' BOAT. Maybe you'll luck out, and dolphins will save you.
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