I finally read Dr. Deborah M. Anapol's Love Without Limits: The Quest for Sustainable Intimate Relationships, which is considered to be something of a staple in the teeny-tiny Poly Library.
It was a decent book. It was obviously geared toward people who are just beginning to wonder if they might be poly (i.e., not me), but I found it interesting to see how someone else approached writing a “how-to” book on poly relationships. I have a few bones to pick with Anapol, and I may yet do so, but right now I want to focus on her list of the eleven “personal characteristics which seem best suited for this lovestyle” (p. 20), which I think is right on the money:
A talent for intimate relationships
High self esteem
A good juggler
A love of intensity
Appreciation for diversity
Interpersonal skills
Ability to be flexible, creative and spontaneous
A sex positive attitude
An independent streak
A team spirit
A commitment to personal and spiritual growth
Anapol suggests that anyone who's wondering, “Is responsible nonmonogamy right for me?” ought to take a look at these characteristics and “ask yourself if these are traits you possess – or want to acquire” (p. 20).
I'm not wondering whether responsible nonmonogamy is right for me – at this point, I'm pretty well convinced that it is -- but these kinds of surveys are such fun!
So, I'm going to give myself a rating on each of the characteristics listed above, on a scale of 1 (this is a serious weakness of mine) to 10 (this is a particular strength of mine). Then I'm going to beg, wheedle, or strong-arm some other people into taking the same survey (using the same rating scale) – look for guest posts on this topic in the near future.
So, without further ado:
VINY'S A.S.S. ANSWERS
A talent for intimate relationships: 9
It feels a little weird to rate myself on this characteristic: surely other people would be the best judge of whether or not I have any talent in this area, right? However, I'll press on, sans external validation, and say that I've always felt good about my ability to maintain meaningful relationships with important people in my life.
High self esteem: 8
Aside from my tendencies to be competitive (i.e., I'm often tempted to put myself into a “better-than” or “worse-than” box, even though I know such boxes are cramped, and dark, and musty) and to rely too heavily on external validation, I have a pretty solid sense of self-worth.
A good juggler: 8
I love juggling. I do get anxious, sometimes, about how many balls I've got in the air, but I generally manage to keep them there. Yes, I have been known to drop the ball. Yes, I have too often made someone I love feel like a ball I'm juggling. Overall, though, I think I manage pretty well.
A love of intensity: 6
My problem with intensity is that I love it only on MY terms: I want intensity when I want it, and I want to be able to choose when that is. Intensity and predictability are, alas, often mutually exclusive.
Appreciation for diversity: 6
I am, and have always been, very interested in people. I like to observe others, to listen to their stories, and try to understand who they are and where they're coming from. I have a fair amount of empathy. However, I can also be judgmental, which sometimes closes me off to what I might have to learn from someone very different from myself. This is something I'm working on.
Interpersonal skills: 9
As a kid, I went through a socially awkward stage, and stray bits of insecurity persisted even into my 20's. However, I have always been good at interacting with others as long as I'm not feeling too worried about whether or not they are going to like me. As I've gotten older, I have become much more likely to approach interactions with the assumption that I'm basically likable – and if someone doesn't like me, for whatever reason, I'm much less likely to take it personally.
Ability to be flexible, creative and spontaneous: 6.5
Although I want to be flexible, I'm really not. I tend to get pissy when things don't go as I've planned. I'd give myself about a 4 on flexibility alone. However, I think I can be pretty creative, and I very much appreciate creativity in others, which helps me arrive at (creative) solutions for dealing with my flexibility issue. Because I'm a planner, I find spontaneity a delightful counterpoint to my usual M.O., but, as with intensity, I prefer to be spontaneous when it suits me, which can be frustrating for the people in my life who are less than thrilled with my penchant for planning.
A sex-positive attitude: 8
I certainly ENJOY sex a hell of a lot, but it's also true that I've had a legacy of repression to overcome. I am still learning about myself – what makes me tick, what makes me slick – and I'm having fun in the process. In terms of others' ways of being sexual, I am generally pretty accepting, although I have noticed myself feeling judgmental and/or dismissive and/or icked out by some kinds of kink.
An independent streak: 7
I definitely have an independent streak. However, I also have a little problem with worrying too much about what others think of me.
A team spirit: 3
I am not completely incapable of appreciating the joys of working together as a team, but honestly, I kind of suck at being a team player. I prefer to call the shots. However, I can be gracious about stepping down from my Bossy McBossypants podium when it's clear to me that someone else has a good idea. And I do like to be helpful.
A commitment to personal and spiritual growth: 10
I used to believe that “growth” meant “improvement,” but the commitment has always been there, no question about it. It's also becoming more clear to me, as I grow older, that the “I” who is committed to her own growth is fundamentally inseparable from other beings, whether those other beings are people or leopards or pine trees or stones or stars.
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